Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
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| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
Thank you for sharing such a personal story and I acknowledge you for the strength it took to fight for your life. Know that you are surrounded my love and beauty, even behind the screens of our computers. Thank you for being you. xo
Ez,
I am so glad that you shared this! You are beautiful & brave! Go You!
Love
Jenn
Ez, thankyou so much for sharing your story with us. I admire your transparency and feel so sad that you had to go through such a horrible experience. I was raised with an extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive Dad and have had to work through a lot of pain (and at times depression), over the years, too. Blogging and photography have been so therapeutic and healing for me as well.
In the past week I've been thinking about putting a post on my blog called "Heart to Heart". Along with my health issues (a recent diagnosis of MS) and my background of abuse, I want to share openly with my readers. I think people automatically assume that because you post beautiful things on your blog and are seeing some success with your creative goals, that your life is easy. So not true!
Thanks, sweet Ez. I'm in your court if you ever need a friend who can relate. Big hugs and thankyou so much for sharing from your heart. We love you!
This breaks my heart that you had to endure this. Meeting you in person, you were radiant and joyful and I'm sorry that you had to go through something so painful in your past. Wishing you only the best in your continued recovery and regained strength.
you are amazingly brave... I came over from your other blog and bravo to you for sharing this. One would never know you went thru this with all of the beauty and light you bring on Creature Comforts. What a transformation you have made in your life. It is pretty awesome. thank you for sharing.
A very brave post...I cannot begin to imagine all those heartaches that you have not written about....I admire your honesty and courage...xv
I am so sorry you had to endure this. my heart breaks for you. thank you for sharing, you are an awesome person, a personal creative hero of mine and an great mom. please remember that when things get tough.
You're an inspiration- that someone would ever try to stifle your unique perspective astounds me.
You've not only taken your life into your own hands, you've crafted it into something beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing about your struggle- your joy and accomplishments shine even more brightly in comparison.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are turely a brave woman. Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm still reeling from the reality of it all, and so inspired by your courage! You are definitely moving forward, and doing it so well too! Stay strong, and keep up the fabulously creative work you've been doing - because you have so much to offer! xxo.
Hello everyone! I wanted to take a moment to share with you just how much each and every one of your comments and emails has meant to me today. I knew that I wanted to share this story for some time, but when it came time to finally click publish earlier today, I was pretty nervous.
What you all have given me through your kind support and encouragement has been wonderful beyond my wildest hopes. Thank you a million times over for being here and cheering me on. It means more than I can ever say. xox Ez
I'm sure everyone before has already said it, but I'm glad you shared your story. And I'm glad you took control for you and your daughter. I can't imagine what you've been through, but I hope that you continue on the much better path that you've been on. I love reading your blog, and thank you for telling your story.
You are amazing. I am so impressed by your story, and am awed by your strength and courage. As Brooke said so well, "knowing a bit about the 'real Ez' makes all the beauty you provide us with daily, even more beautiful."
Ez, you melt my heart. Thank you for sharing your incredibly poignant story. It just shows how strong and courageous you were and STILL are. You are a talented and beautiful person. Never stop believing in the best is out there for you and your family. YOU GO, GIRL!
Ez, as a child of a mother who endured years of the same frightening abuse, I wanted to say that you have given your little girl a tremendous gift by persevering, protecting her and finding your strength. In these situations, children carry their mother's pain for years and the best healing balm is witnessing the resurrection of a mother's spirit and confidence. I truly appreciate you sharing the details of your struggle and healing journey with us. You are an inspiration. x
I'm sure you get told that you're brave ad nauseum (at least I hope so), but you really are. I could never open up like this on my own blog for fear of putting myself out there, and I so admire you for this. Blogging healed me as well, after a bout of terrible depression and a marriage that broke me, but nothing like what you went through. Thanks for sharing your story, Ez.
EZ. Thank YOU for brightening our day. I am so glad you shared your story with us. Sadly, I know all too well about domestic violence (not in my own marriage). It's a terrible burden for a child to bear. You are really brave to leave your husband and I am so happy to hear that there is so much joy and peace in your life now. xo.
What a brave post. Thank you for sharing your story; it was incredible to read and inspiring in so many ways. As someone who has dealt with depression it's always comforting to recognize you're not alone in your struggle.
You seem to be doing so well and I am so happy for your journey to recovery. I wish you the very best!
@Silvana. WOW, this quote - "children carry their mother's pain for years and the best healing balm is witnessing the resurrection of a mother's spirit and confidence" - I have read over about 15 times. There are no truer words than this! thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing - I really believe that we can only make things better, for ourselves and for society as a whole, when we create a dialogue about the issues that matter to us. Your willingness to bring this into the open is going to help others. I'm so glad you've found joy in life and put some of that joy into your blog!
Ez -
I am so, so sorry this was a part of your life. On the day you left, you summoned the unstoppable, instinctive bravery of a Mother Lion. May you always appreciate and know your own radical courage. Your daughter will thank you one day, though you may not hear it. The line you drew in the sand that day will forever propel her forward - into the light.
Much love to you both
Jan
thank you for sharing. i'm so glad you and your daughter are doing so well now. this post may help save someone's life. very brave of you to tell your story.
Way to go! You are such an inspiration! I'm so proud to call you my friend! xo
Thank you so much for sharing.
Incredibly touching and brave. Thanks for sharing.