Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
154 Lovely Comments | Email Article | found in About Me / My Shops, Musings Print Article | Share This | 
| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
you are very brave and courageous. i think your story will help other people. i'm glad to hear that things have turned around.
As a long-time lurking reader of Creature Comforts, I was just about to leave a comment on that blog but then I saw your Twitter link to this. You are so brave for relating your story and you should be so proud of yourself and what you've done for yourself and for your daughter.
I was originally writing to say a big thankyou for Creature Comforts and that your posts are like little rays of sunshine in my day. I look forward to them immensely. They are beautiful and inspirational - so, a big THANKYOU from me.
Take care.
Thank you.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. For persevering, surviving, and speaking out about mental health, abuse and courage.
Your sharing may be the push someone else needs to seek help for themselves.
You are so strong and absolutely brave. Your story is an example of love and strength.
Wow – I am speechless. All I can think of is how brave you are and what a strong mother you are. You are a true inspiration. I truly believe that this post will help many that have been in similar situations.
Your story is tearing my eyes and making me speechless. I truly understand it feels scary to reveal so much about yourself and your life but for sure it is liberating all the same. Be assured your readers (just like me) are grateful for you sharing these memories. Saying this, they are just memories and not present in your life today. You have moved forward, congratulations!
xx, minna
Ez, you are so wise and courageous to have left that horrid situation and also brave to tell your story. I'm sure it will help other women who feel trapped to know you survived by getting out and rebuilding your life.
Oh my goodness...I am so overwhelmed (in a good way) by your love, support and encouragement guys. Each one of your comments truly means the world to me. Thank you for the personal stories and wisdom you've shared too. All of this is just so wonderful I can hardly put words to it. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! xox Ez
oh Ez. this is so beautifully written, I have tears in my eyes. you are so brave, so strong, so kind and so gracious - love you more xo
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Ez. I admire your honesty and courage.
For the few years that I have been reading your other blog, I never imagine that this was your history - and I mean that in the best possible way. You & your daughter have truly bloomed out of the dirt that was your former marriage. I personally suffered from crippling depression & anxiety for nearly a decade, seeking professional help & being on medication for nearly 7 years. It still echos in my life on a regular basis, but each time it crops up, I find myself stronger than ever before, fighting it off with a vengeance. My source of depression was different (just overall lack of self-worth instead of actual abuse), but the emotions were just as intense. There IS life after suffering, but one has to take that first, huge step to admit we are in a dark place & seek help.
I believe the best thing I can say is this: thank you. Thank you for being yourself. Thank you for being strong. Thank you for being willing to share your story with others. Your willingness to share your personal truth with the world is heartwarming & a true testament to the complex yet fantastic journey of life.
Thank you for being brave enough to share something that most people would never bring to light. It takes an incredibly strong person to get through what you did. What a tremendous mother you've been for your daughter and an inspiration to all who are reading this post.
i wish i could shower you with hugs right now! you had me in near tears, and i think you're extremely brave for getting through that, and sharing it with all of us. you will definitely help others who are in the same situation, and i know they'll appreciate you for opening up to us like this.
goodness Ez, thank you so much for sharing! I know how incredibly difficult it must be to open up like that on truly personal topics in such a public space, but you're right- it could certainly help someone who's in that situation now, seeing that you got out and are on your way to a happy healthy life with your daughter. Just getting all that out is such a huge step and proves just how strong you really are!
I am completely moved by your story. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us.
you are amazing! what an extremely difficult situation to deal with. i am so glad you and your daughter were able to escape from that nightmare.
while my depression stemmed from a completely different point (chronic illness), i can definitely relate to the feeling of never being light and happy again. i am in a much, much better place now and am so glad to hear that you are, too. xoxo
I've said this before, but I think it really bears repeating - you are so lovely and kind and unpretentious, Ez, which is why your blog is so wonderful and remains one of my favorites. It really reflects how caring and down to earth you are (not to mention your impeccable taste!).
I found myself holding back tears reading this, because I have two daughters - one of them is the same age as yours. I also remember that you had a problem with bullies at her school in NJ, which, after reading this, I realize must have been especially painful for you.
I am amazed at your strength and determination and your ability to find and share so much beauty. You're an inspiration!
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Ez, thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of your life. I can relate to so much of what you have said, the domestic violence, court orders, custody battles, self harm, depression etc. It is difficult and you are so brave to put this out there for all to see.
There is still so much stigma still attached to both domestic violence and depression and this makes it difficult for people to talk abut these things.
Please don't ever feel guilty about your daughter. I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and you have shown your love for daughter many, many times. You have done the best for her and that shows.
Thank you again for writing this post.
x
thank you so much for sharing this, ez. your honesty and courage is truly admirable. i hope that your story can inspire hope in others who are struggling.
You are amazing, EZ.
Thank you for sharing and being an inspiration to us all.
Hugs and love to you...xxxooo
Thank you soo much for your story. I don't know what to say....I will just say that abuse has touched my family too. My twin sister went through something similar. Was a very hard time and I feel for you. I am so happy you are on the other side now. Wow awesome :) You are strong and brave.
Hey... "hello, you are loved"
i'm so happy you made it out. i'm certain your story will help someone else out there. thank you so much for sharing it with honesty. xxxx
thank you so much for sharing. what strength it must take to write this and share it with others. i'm thankful that this story ended well and hope that it can help others to that their stories may end well, too. thank you.
Thank you for sharing this difficult time from your past. I know it took tremendous courage to leave as well as write about what happend. Sharing your story brings light to a dark time. Thank you
respect and love from my heart to yours.
you have given me hope to continue #movingforward.