Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
154 Lovely Comments | Email Article | found in About Me / My Shops, Musings Print Article | Share This | 
| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
you are SO brave. i am so glad your story has a happy ending and that you are sharing it here. you're a warrior! seriously!
I am speechless in so many ways. SO incredibly brave of you to share your story. No stigma, no pity--just pride. Thanks for being strong and brave and courageous enough to share your story with us. Completely and totally incredible.
THis very much resonates with me. I applaud you for your honesty, your strength and your bravery. Speaking is one of the best ways to heal yourself and to pass that healing on to others. Wishing you the best. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. It was a brave thing to do and it really moved me to tears when I read your story. Recently I shared the story of my repeat miscarriages and it felt frightening and freeing at the same time. You are an inspiration of what a beautiful, smart woman can be so just keep on doing the wonderful things you are doing and thank you for doing it in a way which shares beauty with everyone else as you go.
Wow. What a remarkable story. You should be beyond proud of how far you have come.
All that aside, I too have struggled with blending my professional voice with my personal blog/stories. It's scary, but if it means anything, knowing a bit about the 'real Ez' makes all the beauty you provide us with daily, even more beautiful.
You are so brave: brave in the moment and brave to write about this here. As vulnerable as you feel having written this, KNOW that it will inspire someone to be brave, too. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You are so very brave and your daughter is lucky to have such a brave and selfless mom! You are super creative and I love, love perusing your beautiful blog. Thank you for all the beauty you give!
thank you for sharing your story; it can be difficult to get so personal so publicly but you did it- i have so much respect for you! xoxo
This is amazing. You are so brave. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sending lots of love your way.
You are a brave and a beautiful woman, Ez. xoxo
I'm sure this was challenging to write and terrible to live through. I'm so proud and grateful to have been able to read what you were open to sharing. I'm glad you got all three of you to safety and that things seem good now.
I can understand how over time your belief and capacity to think would erode and that the ability to trust can be shattered. That it's hard to image that anyone would help or care.
I don't know you in person but I would open my home to you, your child and your pets. I would do the same for anyone in this situation. I would like to think that anyone would.
The unknown is scary for everyone but when you've lost faith in yourself I can only imagine that it's even more daunting. I'm glad you found your way through back to the light.
Oh Ez. I can only imagine the courage it must have taken for you to remove yourself from that life and to write this post. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are truly and inspiration and I know your story will help others to have the same courage you've shared with us. xoxo
Thank you for sharing your story. It will help others.
Wow, you are so brave! Thank you for sharing this story.
you are so brave to share your story. tears were flowing down my cheeks as i read it.
i grew up with an abusive father and i will never forgive him as long as i'm alive. you
saved you and your daughter's life by leaving your ex-husband. i wish you all the
best.
I've been reading your blog for a very long time, and this is the fist time I've ever actually commented. I wanted to say this to you: This post was moving. Really and truly moving. My heart goes out for you. I know how painful abusive relationships can be (though my occurred in high school is honestly, no comparison of what you went through) and how hard it is to heal. I applaud your bravery and your honesty. You are an inspiration. Thank you. :)
Your blog is a place I visit daily for inspiration and beauty. Thank you for sharing your story of hope and strength so honestly...
this post brings tears to my eyes. can't believe that this happens to anybody. i'm glad you are still alive and that you and your daughter are safe and sound. may god bless you and your kid.
Ez, What an amazing survival story. I think it sometimes takes a mother bear's protective instinct to do what we would normally not be able to do. So glad you are both doing so well now.
You bring a lot of beauty and joy to people's lives through your blog. Thanks for sharing your story.
xxoo
carolyn
There is so much strength in sharing. My mother used to tell me that pain was like rocks that we carry around - when we tell somebody, they carry a few of those rocks for us, and the more people we tell, the lighter our load until it turns to sand, and then we're strong enough to take some rocks from others. I feel like when we tell people about depression, about sadness, about domestic violence, that sometimes they carry a few of our rocks - and sometimes they realized that that indescribable weight that has been crushing them.. can be carried by another for a while. My sister and I both carry pebbles in our purses, to shoulder each others load. Thank you so much for sharing - you are insanely strong and inspiring. Thank you thank you.
Wow. Ez, I can definitely imagine how hard it was to press "post" but I know for a fact your story will impact & change someone. You are a blessing to so many daily with your encouraging words & sweet spirit. Thank you for sharing your heart & a part of your life story. I'll pray that you continue to feel the strength to keep telling that story ... it will bring hope to so many. you are amazing. xoxo
Honest and inspiring, thank you for sharing your story with us, Ez xo
Thumbs up for you! It is good that you have walked out of it already.
Thank you for sharing this with us Ez. You are incredibly brave, and your strong spirit resonates throughout. I am sure this will be an inspiration for so many who have been through this or are currently experiencing it. xo
With tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat I want to say thank so you much for sharing this with us. You are so brave to be open about it and will surely help others see the light in dark places.