Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
154 Lovely Comments | Email Article | found in About Me / My Shops, Musings Print Article | Share This | 
| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
Your story has given me the shivers. As someone who had gone through some horrendous things in life, involving sickness and murder and survival, I always took it for granted that amidst everything that had happened I could always count on my close family to embrace me and make everything better. I can only imagine how it might feel to have that close family member raise against you. To be berried in the terror and to live in terror, rather than just experience it and heal through time. You are a true hero and I salute you. I respect your strength, your ability to raise above and most of all the fact that even when you were viciously deprived of the self worth to stand up for yourself - you still had the resilience to stand up for your daughter. Thanks so much for sharing your story. You are inspiring not only in the creative realm...
I'm speechless. Don't know what to say really. Just that I admire your courage in getting out of this (and sharing it too). Sending hugs your way (and your beautiful daughter).
You bring a smile to so many people every single day. I hope you remember that.
Thanks so much for sharing I am not brave enough to do what you are doing it takes incredible courage and strength and I can relate to a lot of it. I'm sure many, many, many others can as well!
I'm so proud of you for sharing your story. I know it's scary to get so personal, but I've been thinking lately about why it's such a taboo to share who you really are and can't seem to find a good answer. We could all mean so much more to each other if we opened up and dropped the façade. So thank you for showing me that it is indeed a good thing to do and that people will only love you more for it.
I'm speechless! Thank you for sharing your story.
And thank you for your inspire blog - I get always a warm feeling while looking at these beautiful things.
Thank you for being so honest. It is such a scary thing disclosing all this to the anonymity of the internet. I'm sure it will help someone who is feeling alone and scared right now.
Bless, you, Ez, because the courage it has taken to reclaim your life and to share this will surely spread, like a beautiful vine spreading over a crumbling wall. We are what we put out into the world, and you are kind and thoughtful and honest. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
You are so courageous, not only to have survived that, but to be able to share it, and so publicly. That's really something to reach out as you have. I work at a shelter for survivors of DV and our organization basically stands on this quote: "If you have come here to help me, then you are wasting your time…But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."--Lila Watson
So thank you so much for sharing and encouraging others to seek help, to ask questions, because we are all here for each other.
Such an amazing story. What is it about love that makes us do things for others we would never think of doing for ourselves? You've come a long way, my dear, that much is obvious. Thank you for having the strength to share your story! <3
I moved me with your story, and my eyes filled with tears when I read your story. Thanks for sharing. I admire you for being brave and still be creative in the midst of difficulties.
so brave. i have not yet been brave enough to share my stories. thank you for being an inspiration.
once you have 'put the broken mirror back together piece by piece' don't forget to look in it now and then and see how lovely you both are.
i can personally relate to what you are talking about. the important thing is that you are dealing with it over time, going easy on yourselves, savoring the beauty in life, and surrounding yourself with people who truly want you both to be happy and healthy. there is no better remedy.
hold your head up high! you are brave, and you have many wonderful things to look forward to. : )
I just saw the link to your post~ and reading your story brought tears to my eyes. You should be so proud of yourself for taking a stand for yourself and your daughter. Thank you for sharing your story and for bringing a bit of beauty and happiness to your readers every day. You are a hero and an inspiration :)
Ez, thank you for sharing your story. You and your daughter are so brave and so lucky to have each other - look at how strong you both are. I'm so glad your life is full of hope and light now and that you and your daughter have found a place of strength and happiness together. You know, you didn't let yourself or your daughter down, you had strength and courage inside you, it was still there and you did something about it. I'm so glad you did because I'm really glad to have met you, and your wonderful attitude towards life after what you've been through is a real inspiration, especially for those who have experienced similar pain or sadness in their lives. It is still hard for me to talk about my experience with depression but I hope some day to be able to get past it like you have and whenever I find out that other people who are happy and together have gone through it, it really gives me hope that I will eventually let it go and get past it, and that I'm not the only one who has struggled. So thank you, Ez, for your courage. Sending you and your daughter lots of hugs. xo
There aren't enough words to say how brave you were that day when you left and saved both yours and your daughter's lives and how brave you are today for sharing your story with us.. You truly are an inspiration for many..Thank you xox
you are SO brave Ez in so many ways. i'm so moved by your story especially since i'm a huge fan of yours and what you've done with your blog - and now to know the woman behind it - wow, what an amazing, courageous person you are.
Thank you Ez. You have helped me open my eyes to my own situation.
Oh Ez, I wish I could give you and your daughter a big hug through the web right now. It's so terrible that you had to go through what you did, but I am very thankful that the two of you made the decision to get out, as God knows how much worse things could have gotten. I am in awe of your strength and of how you have made a lovely life for you and your sweet girl. I can't stop the tears as I type this; you are an amazing woman. No one should have to go through what you did, especially a child who has even less power against it. I wish you both love and happiness as you go forward, and less and less dark times in the future.
xoxo, Jennifer
Wow.
Thank you for sharing- that is a really powerful story.
You continually brighten my day with your beautiful blog and have been an inspiration to me since I found it....I am so glad that you survived a terrible situation and came out in a better place.
I read your post last week and didn't sleep for two days...it's all very familiar to me. Your readers are correct, you are a very, very brave lady. I want to thank you for speaking up and telling your story it is so needed and intensely valuable for young girls and women to know how it starts, through control, manipulation and humiliation and then eventually, violence. Perhaps if more know the subtle aspects of how abuse can start.... then just maybe, there will be fewer who suffer. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and thoughtfully. I admire you.
Ez, thank you so much for sharing your story. This was a brave thing to do and so helpful to many, I am sure. I truly have goosebumps still from reading this post. You are such an amazing and inspiring woman and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting us be a part of your life. ♥ xoxo, Kristi
My goodness Ez, you are such a brilliant, brilliant person.
I first discovered CreatureComforts in 2004/05? which was when I first started blogging. It was always a source of joy, positivity and inspiration for me. I understand how and why you created a haven for yourself in blogging as that was the reason I started blogging too. Before the end of 2005 I left my home and marriage after 8 years of living in similar circumstances. It was after an almost identical incident that I finally left with my 12 month old baby and 7 year old son. After that I stopped blogging because I couldn't cope.
Your post has completely moved me. It is a testament to your strength and grace that all this time you have been creating the most beautiful work and page after page of joy for everyone to share and gain so much happiness from whilst enduring all of the horrors that come after leaving a marriage like that. You are absolutely amazing!!!
Thank you for all the joy and positivity you have brought me through reading your blog over these years. Thank you for this post and I know you will encourage so many women to strive through the hard times, to expect more for themselves, for a happier life. I am sure you will be pleased to know - five years on I have come through the worst parts, have created a new life for the boys and I and have started up my blog again, {enjoying it immensely} and am being true to the person I always wanted to be.
best wishes, Ainslie, an absolute fan.
Thank you so much for being transparent and fearless in your sharing. Many people will be helped by your honesty.
Blessings,
Rene'
I'm so glad you shared your story - you were strong taking charge of that awful situation the way you did. But mostly I am thrilled that you are in such a wonderful place now. It shows in your blog - with all of the beautiful things you are able to recognize and appreciate in life and share with others. You inspire me.