Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
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| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
hello ez,
thank you for sharing. i know it must be a very hard thing to do. but, as you said, it helps. i don't often read this part of your blog, for i think it is like reading a journal. which i think should be left un-opend, but often this part shows a lot more of yourself than the main-blog will do. but i am glad i read this entry. i don't have a eating disorder and i don't suffer from home abuse but i surel know how a depression feels and what's it like to feel so much pain that it literally makes you numb so you try to hurt yourself to feel again. i've been there and i know it is a struggle every day for the rest of our lives to not go back there. sometimes i wish i didn't need to fight any longer and it will all disappear but i know for sure that i am a stronger person and so are you. surviving what you and your daughter survived.
i am still struggling with people telling that i had (and have) depression. for depression doesn't vanished like that although a lot of people might think so. but i think and hope that there are a lot of people who will understand once i start to tell my story. i thank you for sharing your story for it is the hardest and yet the best part you can do :)
(i am sorry if something sounds 'wrong' but i am german and my english is limited :/)
It has taken me some time to respond to your post. It struck so many chords with my own life journey - dealing with abuse and depression among other things.
I think it is ironic that part of my dealing with the darkness was to visit your blog - which to me has been an oasis of tranquility and beauty. An endless cup of creativity from which I could drink, imbibing your inspiration and mustering the energy to put one foot in front of the other.
In fact I was little awed by your professionalism and assumed your were an "IT" girl. Trouble free - boundless confidence and with all the other trappings of success I feel I lack in my own life. Barriers I use to justify why it can't be the same for me.
Thank you for sharing this intimate detail of the girl behind smile. Your truthfulness has inspired me in a profound and fundamental way, because you have shown me that something I thought beyond my reach, is in fact possible.
You are so lovely for sharing what contributes to your story.
Ez,
i'm celebrating your wonderful life story with you. it's amazing how you managed to transform what many people put up with and hide from for decades on end. i've been reading your 'main" blog for a long time now, and i've always imagined the person behind it as someone whose life has always been perfect and who hasn't got a care in the world. now i've come to realize the beauty you see and share with your readers has a different source, and i see so much more humanity behind your stories and pictures now. all the best to you, your daughter and all the people around you who gave and continue to give you support. you are an inspiration!
J
THANK YOU....... ill try even harder now :)
You're story is so inspiring! It's wonderful that you took your life back and that blogging has been a source of joy in your life. I feel like it's such a great outlet even if no one is reading at first (I like to blog and don't have many readers but still enjoy it). Thanks for sharing and God bless! <3
Thanks for sharing Ez, especially for the reasons that you did. I've become 'addicted' to blogs about two years ago and I've found that I mainly keep reading the ones that share more personal stories. There are so many blogs out there with authors that seem so perfectly happy. Not that I want them to be miserable but it sort of made me feel like I would never be able to be that perfectly happy. Its seems like a lot of bloggers were born into wonderful, caring, and loving families and found amazing husbands. Hearing about your story gives me hope that people can over come hardships. People can be happy even after bad things happen to them. Thanks.
Wow. Dear Ez that is so brave of you to write that and I'm so glad you have found your own space for you and your daughter. Thank you for writing that. x
I am so happy for you and your daughter that both of you are doing
well.... and if I may quote you "not hold onto the hurtful things of
the past any longer"... " embrace the joy that life has to offer us"
and I think we all have " learned that hope and beauty are stronger
than fear.." I like that.
I have been reading your blog for a while, actually I found it looking
for inspiration to decorate my daughter's bedroom... you had just
decorated your daughters bedroom. Your blog is so beautiful and
inspirational. Congratulations!
Wow. What a miraculous story.. brought tears to my eyes! I can't imagine what I would do in that situation, and I am so happy that you are safe and happy now.
I feel like when people know why we are doing something or where we came from, there is a stronger connection created. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you EZ. I look to your blog daily to see the beauty that you see, and I stumbled upon this. I'm so happy that you've found your way out so we can all enjoy your vision.
I know you wrote this awhile ago EZ, but I just saw the 'personal blog' part today. Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes, as a reader, I forget that each of these blogs are curated by a person. A human. With all the lovely images and projects that blogs like yours so wonderfully give to the world, it's as if the person(s) behind them are beyond personhood. Like Martha Stewart. (Okay, I know Ms Stewart is a person too, but she is also known for unreal perfection.)
I am not glad these awful things happened to you or your daughter. I am, however, glad that you are finding joy. Thank you for sharing your story.
I just wanted to stop back by and thank all of you who have taken the time to read my story and leave such loving and supportive words of encouragement and kindness for me. Each one of your comments truly means the world to me. Thank you! xox Ez
ez, this is beautiful and speaks volumes of grace. so grateful for your new life with your daughter. may you continue to create joy in your lives with each new day. much love to you, xo
Thank you so much for your words of kindness Hannah! They brightened my day to day and meant so much to me. xo Ez
I am so sorry for what you have gone through, but so glad to see you are healing. A million thank you's for your brave words and strength. Best wishes to your daughter and to you. xo
Mel thank you so much for taking the time to share such lovely words of support! I appreciate it so SO much! xo Ez
Thank you for your heart and courage. I have had abusive relationships (scary) and eating issues. That moment that we snap awake and our real selves take charge, and find safety is like having wings and no fear. The only fear is that you don't move fast enough, because you do not want to be filling up the car when he comes back. Out and away. Good, good, good for you and your daughter. May you both continue to grow and heal and find the love and support of family and friends always.
I admire your honesty and thank you for your truth.
Thanks for sharing. This is a great post, really honest.
I never commented before, because I must confess, all the posts were so happy-happy-pretty things. I liked them, but I had nothing to say really. I'm glad this blog is changing a little.
This was heartbreaking. I so hope you can see what a beautiful, talented person you are and what wonderful and kind energy you are putting out into the world, as witnessed by the many who follow your blog. You and your daughter deserve nothing but the kindness and light the world has to offer. Keep shining bright!
Jackie, Annette, and Tin Room Press - Thank you guys so much for your kind words. Your support makes my heart feel light, and I can't tell you enough just how very much it means to me. Thank you! xo Ez
Hi Ez,
I wanted to let you know I read this post, and sit in utter admiration of you. I have tears down my face. What a testimony you have to share, and what a gift you have to verbalize your story. I know this will touch many lives, and it was a reminder for me never to hold back from reaching out to a neighbor-everyone has their own sufferings.
I am so happy to know you have peace now, and you and your daughter will live a beautiful life.
Its incredible to see all the beauty you already have shared through Creature Comforts and know that God 's gifts that he gave you are shining through this space.
Wishing you continued health, peace, and happiness!
<3, Anna
Ez, thank you for your honesty. Your courage and stength are such a wonderful quality. Your daughter has a beautiful role model.
Hi, may be some people have this problem. I also went through. all counselling, medication and things :( But i have learnt a lot from that too. i read book "feeling good, the mood therapy" by david burns. i think it helped me. But i really have to appreciate you. brave !!! Congratulations for this new beautiful awesome life. Live in Present... enjoy the Power of NOW :)
I just found your blog and am in love with your beautiful designs and have quickly realized what a beautiful heart and energy and intent you have. I appreciate you sharing your story. You are so brave to leave and save yourself and your daughter. I'm sure you have helped many other women by sharing your journey.