Going Back / Moving Forward
During my recent trip to the Altitude Design Summit (as posted about here) one theme continued to resonate with me, and that was the theme of 'telling your story.' Much like anyone, I have a past...joys, sorrows, and everything in between, But my story is one that I've intentionally held back because much like a single weed suddenly takes over the entire yard, a lot of my past has deep and dark roots that I've felt I could easily be overcome by. I know I've shared briefly about my past history with depression and how blogging has been the place I've created to propagate beauty and joy in my life. But there is a lot more.
So why share my "story" now? Well. I guess it is in part because (even though the prospect is scary), for myself I need to. While I truly believe that for my own health it was necessary for me to keep certain things in the dark over the past few years, I know that I am strong enough now and am at a place in my life where sharing where I've come from will likely do me a lot of good. Of course I could do all this quietly in a journal and tuck it away where nobody would ever see it, but I guess I also have the hope that maybe my experiences will help one of you, or someone dear to you. Authenticity whether lovely or challenging is something that I so admire, and there has always been that niggling thought in my head that I've been inauthentic by not sharing sooner...but the time feels right now, so here we go.
Before I launch off into what I'm sure will feel like a nerve-wracking naked prance around my blog for all to see, I want to say that these experiences are my own. I'm not a medical professional or therapist and don't pretend to have all the answers. My only hope is that if you or anyone you know has ever had moments (or long stretches) of despair, or share any of the same experiences as me, that you will know that you are not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. There is a light of hope always worth reaching for. I didn't always believe that, but I know now that it is there if you just keep looking for it (more on that in another post perhaps).
So where to start. I won't give you my whole life story...heaven knows my fingers would probably fall off from typing by the time I was through. But I'll start with a time before this blog began, with a part, THE part that is the hardest to talk about...My daughter and I are survivors of domestic violence. Even typing those words feels almost unreal to me. Like I need to check and make sure that I'm not mistaken. I think the most challenging part about sharing this part of my past is the social stigma associated with domestic violence. I don't want to be seen as every negative thing that those two words conjure up. But I can't shake them...only put them behind me and move forward.
Truthfully I don't know how a marriage filled with fear became my reality. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out, read a zillion books on the subject, attended support groups, but the only thing that I know for certain is that it didn't happen all at once. I think of it like termites slowly devouring a house unseen. By the time you realize you have a problem, it is probably too late. That's what the relationship with my ex-husband was like...slow and insidious.
The majority of the abuse I personally experienced was the emotional/verbal kind (the kind that left me feeling worthless and without a speck of control over any part of my life) and then there was also the always present understanding that my failure to cooperate or make my husband happy would result in punishment towards our daughter. So I stayed quiet, and shut down until finally after months and then years I became barely a shell of a human with a painted on smile (the great pretender). Gradually I resorting to terribly unhealthy ways of distracting myself from my life and coping with the pain (much like a caged bird will often pluck out its own feathers), first with an eating disorder then with self-injury. I even tried to end my life. The numbing weight of depression was inescapable, and each day felt like an endless roller coaster ride that I could not step off of—filled with his apologies and empty promises for change, my desperate hope that he really would, a lull that would disarm me, and then the inevitable plummet back to reality.
I think that after a while you get so good at pretending and camouflaging the ugly in your life that you forget what it's like not to make excuses for everything. Then before you know it you find that you've painted yourself into a corner, with not much more left than the overriding feeling that you cannot escape—that and utter numbness.
So how did I get out? How did that reality become a far distant past? The day I actually left will be seared into my memory for life. I had spent a solid year and a half in a nearly comatose state of depression and denial (again masking it all with smiles and excuses). My husband had been spending more and more time out at bars getting trashed and would fly into increasingly violet rages (both alcohol-fueled and sober). On that day, I said something that he didn't like and he began screaming at me, then threw a few things at me where I sat on our bed not daring to move. Our daughter was in the living room and I willed her to stay away with every bit of my being, but the next thing I knew she was running around the corner with the television remote clutched in her hand. She immediately threw it at him (something she had never done before) and in a flash he turned on her and chased her down the hallway. I will never forget the sound of her screaming, or the sight of him tearing her out from under the couch where she had tried to hide...his hands pummeling her over and over again. Somehow I got her from his grip and he stormed out of the house angrier than I'd ever seen him. As I held my daughter in my arms something that had died over all those months (I think it was a belief in myself) came to life again and I knew that if I did not find the courage and strength to leave at that very moment, that my daughter's life and mine would be taken from us.
What followed is truly a blur. I know I managed to call my step-dad for help. Thankfully he drove over and helped me to stuff our essential belongings and our dog in the car, and we drove to his place to stay until I could make sense of what to do next. A few weeks later we moved in with my grandparents, who gave us a safe haven and the sort of support and love that I had forgotten was possible (I am grateful beyond measure for this). Then we began the process of rebuilding our lives.
I want to say that finding joy and security in our life was as easy as flipping on a switch, but it has been more like rebuilding a shattered mirror, piece by broken piece. The guilt I felt was probably one of the most painful parts. In the months and years that followed there were more court dates than I can count, restraining orders and restraining order violations, supervised visitation, a custody battle (can you believe he tried to get full custody) which mercifully concluded with the system awarding me full custody (something that I have been told is practically miraculous considering that this took place in CA), and a lot of time to work on healing for both my daughter and myself. It has been a long process, some of the days have been very dark but I have learned to trust that the light will always follow the darkest moments. Several months after leaving, I stumbled across blogging, and while there was nobody reading in the beginning, my blog became a place for me to find and create joy and peace again. A little haven from the storm that had surrounded me for so long, and a lifeline through the fog of depression that I have worked to overcome ever since.
I am incredibly happy and feel ridiculously fortunate to be able to say that today our past no longer feels like the captain steering our life's course. My daughter and I are truly doing well. And while depression is something that still waits in shadowed places, I feel excited more and more each day to embrace the joy that life has to offer us, and not hold onto the hurtful things of the past any longer. I learned that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for.
Thank you for reading my story. I know it was a lot and I brushed over some serious topics. I am more than happy to answer any questions you have in the comment section below. Thank you for being here and for brightening my day with your visit. xo Ez
P.S. Did you know that this week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! If you know someone who struggles or has struggled with an ED or with depression / mental illness, maybe today is the perfect day to give them a friendly nudge and let them know how important they are to you (it doesn't have to be embarrassing...just a little "hello, you are loved"). You never know just how much it could mean!
154 Lovely Comments | Email Article | found in About Me / My Shops, Musings Print Article | Share This | 
| by Ez Wednesday, February 9, 2011 
Reader Comments (154)
Your story is touching and brave and I read it welling up. I can't imagine what you went through and though I don't know you personally, your blog reflects what a loving and devoted mother you are. You had the strength to get out and save yourself and your daughter. I truly admire you sharing your past, but I hope you take pride in what your blog brings to your readers. You are a creative woman and one that so many of us look up to. I'm rather new to the blogging community, but it's people like you who inspire people like me to keep up with what we love. So glad you are both doing well and are out of that danger.
ez-
your daughter has a wonderful example to show her the way...and we get to share with you the benefits of your courageous struggle to move beyond your despair. I've never met you but now I know for sure that your beauty (and talent) is not skin deep. Only those of us who have struggled and persevered can truly appreciate how precious life and love is and how beautiful...thanks ez for sharing.
My mother is a psychotherapist and specializes in working with victims of domestic abuse. Thank you for sharing your story, Ez. I am so thankful that you and your daughter were able to leave...and thrive.
How very brave you have been—how very brave you are.
I've struggled with my own life challenges, and I know the guilt and depression you speak of, but from where I stand I see only your bravery in stepping away from the dark and creating a new life for yourself and your daughter against the odds. That takes untold strength.
Thanks for sharing your bravery, that takes strength too. And you never know who you might be helping.
This is the first time I've been to your site (followed a link off Twitter). I will definitely be back!
Ez, You and your daughter are so brave and I feel honored that you've chosen to share your story with us. xoxo
thank you for sharing your story. i can't even imagine what you've been through. you've come a long way and provide so much inspiration for so many of us now!
hugs.
As someone who works with domestic violence survivors, I can truly understand your bravery in leaving this relationship and your courage for sharing your story. You are a strong and resilient woman. You have no idea how many lives you've touched and changed by sharing your story. You have made many feel less alone. xo
Ez, you are an extremely brave woman for sharing this with so many. I think you always share your authentic self here on CC. I had tears in my eyes reading that. I can't imagine what that must have been like to deal with. I admire you so much.
Ez, you are a truly remarkable woman - so brave and courageous. Thank you for being so open and giving us all a glimpse into just how powerful and wonderful you are.
I don't have a child, but I also came from a marriage with slow abuse, attempted suicide, etc. I related to much of what you've written and I know how scary and hard it is to escape. I'm so happy you've found that love and safe haven. You're so brave.
Dear, I am very happy for you and your daughter. Brave history and for sure you will be even happier. I my self am struggling with a terrible skin disease, and am I also in a healing process of my body and my soul, I know how hard it is. But like you, I´m also learning "that hope and beauty are stronger than fear...and they are always worth reaching for." God bless you and thanks for sharing your history.
Dearest Ez, I'm am so heart felt by your past journey. I am truly happy and grateful for both you and your daughter to have pulled through that and are both doing so well now – look at the wonderful inspiring Blog you have created for thousands to read and admire. Life is a long journey but also a short one that would past us in a flash if you don't 'seize the day'.... life is what you make of it. Well done, I'm proud of you girlfriend!!! Go forth!
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, and all I can say is THANK YOU for writing this. Thank you for being so brave to share. While my circumstances may be a bit different from yours, the emotions are the same. I think the main thing is that you've encourage me to create a space for happy things... where that be quiet time for myself, a long walk, a blog, doodling in my sketchbook. To just create. To be. Happy.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I read some parts through the blurriness of tears, having resonated with that sense of shutting down you spoke of. I experienced shutting down earlier in my life, until i no longer recognized myself or could sense life, yet alone feel the spark of inspiration. it was during that time, and perhaps it's in that place, that smaller than small place that solutions like suicide presented themselves to my mind. It was within the decision to end my life that my life actually began and somehow, through various serendipitous and coincidental events, hosted by many people who extended their hearts I'm still here. eighteen years later - wow. And not only am I here, i'm on the other side of that tribulation and desire to support others back into loving themselves as well. So you are right. we are never truly alone. we CAN over come even the darkest side of life and feel, well, love again. Thank you for sharing your story. It's given me courage to share more of mine w/the hopes of helping others the way you've helped me in this moment. thanks.
All My Best,
Stephey
Thank you for being so transparent, telling our stories is so important to healing and growth but also for those hushed issues that choke our community. I am so grateful you've stood up and told what makes you feel most naked.
Thank you so much.
What a courageous thing to share all you did. You are strong, you are full of love, and you are a beautiful soul that deserves oh so much happiness. Because of what your blog has given to you, it now means more to me than ever! : ) XO
Thank you for sharing your story. You are really a brave woman! I grew up in a home just like the one you escaped from, and it took years of therapy to be whole again. You are amazing and wonderful to share your story.
thank you for sharing your story with us, ez. i can understand how hard this is for you, but it really is inspiring and touching to know we could be a part of your life in this way. i'm glad and happy to hear that you are now stronger than ever because of your past. way to go, ez!
*hugs*
angie
I know how difficult it was for you to find the right words, I'm so proud of you for sharing these pieces of your past. I hope you'll continue to share more about your day to day life/challenges. Hugs from me and Ems. xo
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story will help so many people. Life will continue to get better. Good luck and wishes to you and your daughter.
dear ez, thank you so much for sharing your story. i am absolutely sure that it has helped every person who read it, at least to look at their life with new eyes and be thankful for what they have.
of course, i have never met you (but have loved your blog and your kindness at our few virtual interactions), but this post made you more real to me, like a friend with a painful secret, and i would love to give you a hug.
thank you again.
you are so very brave. for sharing. and for leaving. i grew up as the daughter in that story, but my mom didn't have it in her to leave (and almost lost her life) it took years for me to recover {still working on it}. your daughter {and you} are so blessed that you picked up and moved on. good luck on your journey as it takes you farther and farther away from that pain. and thank you, thank you for sharing.
Ez, you amazing lady! I hope the life you're cultivating for yourself and your daughter just gets bigger and better and more joyful as you go along. I wish you both nothing but the best.
Oh Ez, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, and too, for your daughter. It must've been very scary for you both.
I'm so glad you found that this blog became your happy place - as it cleary shows you have so much talent and happiness to share.
I'm sure you will touch and help many with your story.
So proud of you and so glad you are doing well now. Your story will definitely give others in similar situations the courage to leave.