Enough is Enough
One quote has been racketing through my brain for the past few days, and that is: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do" by Eleanor Roosevelt. Today I found out why when my daughter came out of school and told me that she'd been intentionally slammed against the wall by another girl in her class. The force that she was smashed into the wall with caused her to crumple to the floor in pain. The lunch aid on duty saw what happened, recognized the pain my daughter was in and said she would report the assault...but then proceeded to walk away and do no such thing. If you follow me on twitter then you might recall the extremely difficult time we've been having with her school and the relentless bullying that she's been enduring. Reporting the offenders has gone nowhere and the bullying has only gained momentum. The last time I spoke with the school about the threats and harassment I was told by the school's guidance counsellor that this is "normal every day behavior and that my daughter should get used to it because 6th grade would be worse." This was said in response to my concerns over daily threats from a girl who said she was planning to beat my daughter up on the last day of school. Other kids were in on the plan and found great enjoyment in reminding my daughter every day how fun it was going to be to see her get beat up...and that they were planning to bring their video cameras to record it. And yes, her school claims to have "zero tolerance for bullying"...hosts anti-bullying rallies and conferences...and coats their hallways with anti-bullying posters. Clearly talk and action are two entirely different things.
So I did what I never would have thought I could do...I pulled her out of school. My daughter's physical and emotional health were hanging in the balance and I could not just sit around idly and wait to see what would happen next. I need to be her advocate. She needs to know that even if an entire school system thinks abuse is acceptable or is willing to look the other way...I will not. How else can I teach her to stand up for and respect herself? I know I've made the right decision, but it is a choice that is not taken lightly. This change of course means that a lot will be in flux for us in the coming weeks. Not only have I pulled her out of school, but we are packing up and relocate to Oklahoma (you can read more about our move over on Creature Comforts) next Monday (yes, only a week to pack).
I am trying to remain as positive as possible and feel hopeful that good things are in store for us in the near future. I have tried to make the best out of our move to New Jersey and what has been an overwhelmingly negative past 8 months...but there comes a time when enough is enough. I have come to realize that this place is just not for us, and we are moving on.
Thanks to all of you who have offered your kind words of support here and on Twitter! Your encouragement and thoughtfulness has helped me more than I can say. I will not be updating this blog for a while (until we have things set back up in in our new home). See you then. xox Ez
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| by Ez Monday, March 22, 2010 
Reader Comments (63)
Wow. Ez. What a big decision...and a good decision. I will miss knowing you are nearby, but I also can't wait to find out where your new path leads you.
...so order a big pizza, put on a good album and pack up those boxes! : )
i am just sitting here in utter horror and disbelief that this is happening! And to *you* of all people in the world, Ez, one of the kindest most genuine souls. Your poor daughter, it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I just can't believe that this goes on without ANYTHING being done about it. It absolutely blows my mind. GOOD FOR YOU taking her out and moving. It's obviously not where you should be, or any human being should be (!!!)... my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter and i know wherever you go, it will be far, far better than where you are now. Hopefully the whole experience will just make you stronger. I hope SOMETHING positive can come out of it. :( Hugs to you! I'm so thrilled you're getting out!
It's odd how your story almost exactly mimics my own. The school claimed to have a zero tolerance & did nothing to protect my daughter. To make matters worse it wasn't just the girls taunting her, the boys were involved as well. One even had the guts to punch her in the face in gym class leaving her with somewhat of a black eye. We ended up moving as well, just not as far as you will be. Good luck.
I admire your courage and your willingness to stand up for your daughter. No one deserves to have their power and spirit taken away in such a manner. Good for you both! I wish you the best in the move--I did something similar one year ago. My boyfriend and I relocated to Brooklyn from Nashville so I could take my dream job as the editor of a women's website. It had always been my dream to work as a writer in NYC...then we got there.
The city was gorgeous and the energy was intoxicating...but from the moment we stepped out of the moving van, things were off. Our first place wasn't anything it was advertised to be, so we were holed up in a crumby hotel until we found a new place--a pretty apartment with hardwood floors that (unknowingly) put us smack between an aggressive drug dealer and other unsavory neighbors. Long story short, my dream job was a nightmare (workdays that lasted until 3 am and spilled over to weekends were the norm). The best parts of the city became difficult to see and experience because we were always so physically and emotionally exhausted from swimming upstream.
Six months into it, we quit our jobs, broke our lease, packed it all up and headed to Portland, OR to be closer to my family. It's more than a year later, and I can see that all of that mess served to push us toward where we were meant to be. Sometimes, life gives us clues that are difficult to follow.
I hope that your move will bring some much-needed lightness to both of your heavy hearts. Once you get settled, we will all be here waiting to rejoin you in the virtual world.
I am SO sorry that you and your daughter have had to experience this. There's absolutely no excuse in this day and age for children to be tormented like that in school.
If there's a silver-lining, it's that you've set an incredible example for her being such an advocate. It takes guts to buck the system. Bravo for doing the right thing!
Good for you. I am so sorry that you and your daughter have had such a tough go of it in NJ. The school's (lack of) response to the bullying situation is unconscionable. Best of luck with the move.
First off HUGS to you! You daughter will never forget what you did for her! Good for you! I hope when things calm down you write a VERY LONG letter to everyone in that school system....heck and the media there also. How DARE a counselor say it's normal and she should get use to it! Oh, I can't even type the things I'm thinking!!!!!! It's absolutely disgusting. Obviously she is in the WRONG business and should NEVER have been hired in the first place. Karma to her!
You will have WONDERFUL things to come on your new journey. I wish you and your daughter all the best. And tell your daughters all school are NOT like that horrible one and there are good people still in this world.
Hugs to her too!
Take care!
You are pretty amazing...your daughter is VERY lucky to have a Mom like you! Kudos!
Ez, you are so doing the right thing. I wish you all the best and please let me know if I can do anything from all the way out here in AZ. I'd help you pack ( Chakra P can be my reference) but I can't quite get out there this week :(
all i can tell you is, YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!! and if you feel good about your move and are excited about it, then it will all work out! you carve out your own destiny!!
have a safe move and let your daughterknow that she is a smart and beautiful girl, who had a lot to offer to the wrong and very ungreatful people, but there are people in oaklahoma who are going to benifit greatly from her;}
I feel upset and disappointed that a guidance counselors comment was it will get worse! I believe you made the right decision, and you have saved your daughter further torment that she would have carried with her for quite sometime! I to was bullied very badly until grade 8 and some memories still sit with me to this day. It is time to throw out the old school and life and start building a new happier one.
Be brave and strong girls...and take your time settling into a new home,with warm thoughts.
I am stunned.
I have your blog linked on mine for its sheer beauty. I have to admit that I have been terrible at catchign up on my blog reading and I totally missed all of this. It makes me ill that you and your daughter had to endure this. But what a wonderful mother she has! I wish you both peace and the best of luck as you head out.
<<hugs>>
wow, i was so sad to read this but happy to see that you stood up for your daughter and pulled her out. definitely the right decision. and i'm even happier to read that you are moving to oklahoma...this is where I grew up my whole life til I went to college and I think it is a WONDERFUL place to raise children. btw, i attended union public schools in tulsa...if you guys happen to move to tulsa it's the best school!!! and this is also why it's so important when choosing a place to live to look at the school district and find which ones are good and bad. it can be everything for your kids. good luck with everything!!!!!
I cant believe the school did nothing, again. You've made the right decision, have a good time in oklahoma. xx
Good for you: it's not so much the bullying that scares me but moreso the attitude your daughter's school demonstrated... All the very best with your move, wiht hopes of happy neighbours and good friends for you both.
wishing you all the peace and happiness with your girl in this move. so sorry ez that the last 8 months have been so hard. you are taking action for your daughter and I applaud you for that. xoxo.
you did the right thing, last year my son was hurted by two boys and one of them was his best friend (before) and he did not said anything because he did'nt want to lose this friend..The school teacher told us not to interfer but at the end it never finshed and i went to see the parents of the boy, it was the worse period i knew, my son was very sad and so alone at school...Now, it is finished but i am always frigthen that it happens again, it is very hard to be parent because we don't learn them to be violent but they must defend themselves, not easy at all to know the good thing to do...
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
As a fellow Maplewood resident and Mom I have to say this post sends me shivers and makes me nervous about the future of my kids. They are now only four and two. The thought of them being bullied like this is just so heartbreaking.
Best wishes with your move.
I just want to chime in that you ARE doing the RIGHT thing. More of us (parents) do need to put our children first. I know there were a lot of reasons for your move, but letting your daughter know that her safety and happiness are important enough that you will move cross country, well, that's a lesson in unconditional love. I think you're a great parent and a great person. I would probably do the same for my daughters. I was bullied and threatened in school (never told my parents, though) and I will not tolerate it for my own children. It is not a part of growing up and it is not something they should get used to. It's good you're going to a place with a good support system. Possibly, hopefully, a better school situation. I know bullying happens everywhere, but mid-westerners and southerners seem a bit more laid back, no? Bravo to you - you are an inspiration!
Good. For. You. Really! Can't believe what hypocrites the school staff is made up of. Bullying like that is definitely NOT a normal part of school, at least not in my experience or anyone else I know. Teasing? Sure. But physical violence? Absolutely not. Wishing you the best of luck with the move...and honestly, from what I hear, anything is better than Jersey. ;)
Hi Ez, you absolutely did the right thing. Bullying is not something to mess around with. I know it must have taken such courage, and I so admire you for it. And you are so right: there's no better way to teach your daughter self-respect than to simply always be in her corner, sometimes fighting for her, sometimes simply whispering in her ear that she can do anything. It's what my mom did for me. So proud of you! Alison
My daughter is a year younger than yours...I just can't imagine. Way to stick up for your girl Mom.
I hope these next few days are filled with busy, GOOD excitement over your fresh start.
Fresh start...even the words sound wonderful!
Hope all goes smoothly my dear : )
{ I've got the words to "I Can See Clearly Now" running through my head! }
Good luck with your move! I wish it will bring peace and happiness to you and your daughter :) take care!
I'm with Megan; I was bullied (in fifth grade as well) verbally, and my family ultimately moved away altogether, due partly to the experiences in the school and other familial issues, but it was the best thing for me. If they hadn't made that hard choice, I would not have had the same academic and personal success I ultimately had. I'll be graduating from college in a few months and I'm still thankful for the move my family made to be near grandparents and let my sister and I attend a better school for my sister and I.
So...all that stuff about myself is all meant to say that I think you've done something good, and I just wanted to share that to reaffirm your decision.
Hi, I'm Yanni, from Singapore, a very small country which u might not have even heard of.
Anyway i came across your blog few months back then, i appreciate and love all your posts, especially the daily inspirations and your other projects and I've become a regular then.
I'm sorry to see this post. I wish you and your family can endure all this, I believe u guys can make it through.
May God bless you. =D
I read this post with sadness in my heart as well as a shudder.
to think that an institution would not even do much for a defenseless girl
is beyond me. I hope your move would be a smooth transition for both
you and your daughter even though it may be a struggle.
all the best.