Getting Real: Past to Present
{image by me}
Since our move to the East Coast this past Summer life has felt like it's stuck on a roller coaster (with mostly downward dips). I could go on and on about that...but it's probably better if I don't. In any case, I've often found myself wistfully longing to be back in our home in California. I miss our small old town and the familiar life we built there...our neighborhood walks with berry picking, feather collecting and trips to the tiny one-room library two blocks away from our house. This sort of ache probably doesn't go away...at least not for a long while.
As much as I miss what we left behind I know that I'm not doing myself or my daughter any good by fixating on the way things were. Because of this I have been trying to remember that I can be thankful for what we had, but I need to live in this moment. This is the one I have. I am reminded of the Chinese proverb: “Do not anxiously hope for that which is not yet come; do not vainly regret what is already past.” It sounds so good in writing...but harder in practice. A lot of life is like that, right?!
So my question to you (if you'd like to answer it) is how do you personally deal with regret and longing for things of the past? I know that most of us probably deal with these feelings at some time in life...whether it is missing the easy friendships made in college, the carefree life you lead sans kids, etc. I'm excited to hear what you have to share. xo Ez
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| by Ez Monday, March 15, 2010 
Reader Comments (24)
Trusting that God has planned each season of my life; each moment that feels mundane and not as good as a former time or moments that feel like the best yet - all has come from His hand and IS His good towards me. I can easily get hung up on wishing things were different, that I could go back to a time when things felt simpler. But THIS is the moment I am being given and God has decided it is a GOOD thing.
that's how I deal :)
{kate}
www.kateparadis.blogspot.com
I don't really know how to answer you. I deal with depression myself, so I am always looking for ways to make myself feel better about life. I wonder often what it would be like to move away (I am and always have been on the East Coast, HI!) ... across the country, to another country even. What fun it would be! But the reality is, I would miss my life here ... my family ... familiar things. But, you can also reinvent yourself. You are new to the area, so become what you want. Carve new paths. It is all open to you!
I am on a four-year struggle of trying to let go of the past and enjoy my "new life". I moved away from home/longtime friends from the warm, polite south to the mean, dirty, often cold north. I keep thinking I'll come around a bend and it will suddenly feel like "home", but that hasn't happened yet. The very best friendships I still have are with those 700+ miles away. I guess I am particularly meticulous about my home and making everything as cozy as possible in my apartment so I have a warm little piece of the south to escape to when I'm feeling particularly unhappy with my surroundings. Sorry that wasn't positive or much of a suggestion! We're having another nor'easter and I'm wishing I was wearing light jackets instead of heavy rain coats.
Moving and getting used to a new place (when you love and miss your old place) is hard, I know! When I moved last, I dealt with it by always having a trip away in mind, or planned. It really helped to have something to look forward to that would 'get me out of there,' and put me back in touch with the family and friends I was longing for. Two years later, when I bought a house I loved, that all went away, as I was happy to nest and make my own haven. I think in time you will come to love small things (like the library, and feather-hunting trips) but they will just be different things. May I suggest making a lot of outings and mini-vacations in your new city and the surrounding area? I've moved a couple of times, now, and I like to do all the things I would be sad I hadn't done if I had to move tommorow. Maybe that will shift your focus to a more positive place, and help you discover those new things you can love about your new home. Good luck getting comfortable. It takes time, and there are things that simply can't be replaced. But, as you said, you've only got this moment, wherever you may find yourself.
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts with me here. I really appreciate it so much! xo Ez
I found this quote once: "Don't let yesterday take up too much of today" and try to live by it, but often times I find myself thinking about the past and feeling like I wish it could be changed. I have to remind myself that I can't do anything to change it, but I can move forward. It's easy to say, but hard to do. It is possible though. I hope that helps! p.s. Thanks again for two great blogs!
This post makes me think back to when my husband and I first moved in together. Even though we're both from Illinois, none of our close friends lived in Chicago, and it was very lonely for the first two years. The best memory I have from that time is simply taking loooong walks through our neighborhood and exploring. We fell in love with it, eventually bought the condo we live in now and (coincidentally) most of our friends are within a 15 minute walk or quick bike ride. We've been living in the neighborhood around six years now, and we're so happy that I'd forgotten about the beginning until reading your post. So have hope! It gets better.
i just don't let myself dwell too much on what used to be. you can't go back, and even if you could--it probably wouldn't be as rosy as your nostalgic recollection anyway. i just let myself have fond feelings about the past and an occasional pity party...but other than that, i try to look ahead with excitement and abandon. :)
I know how you feel.
This quote has been helping me a lot lately:
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."
~Mary Engelbreit
Changing the way you feel about a place is hard. For me, even baby steps are big steps...and they've been years in the making.
Love the feeling of that photo : )
I moved from Brazil to Santa Monica with my baby, my husband and our 2 yorkies.. and 4 bags with clothes.. we left everything behind, in a storage in Brazil.. to start a new life, I missed my family but I was in love with the place, the people, I loved everything and could picture us living there for ever..then 6 months after it didn``t work so we moved to south florida where we are living now for 6 months, in a furnished vacation apartment in a place where most people come to as vacation and I learned to love it.. u know u have to let go.. when u let go and start living your new life, you`ll open up your heart to new places and people and everything will come to places.. I`m sorry my english is not very good, but I want you to know that u`ll be alright when you let go and open your heart :) I still miss my family (and my clothes and books and furniture..) but I`m so happy here right now! I wish this makes you feel better! (and at least you have trader joes where you live to remind you of california, I dont have one here)
wow. i know this feeling... i don't have any answers for this but i can share my experience. when i was 10 i moved from richmond (just outside of vancouver) from a little suburb down the highway from portland. i was so wistful for our little suburb. it was surrounded by farms, a beautiful forest and creek, and inhabited by the friends i had had since i was just 2. i'm not sure when the feeling passed but it did. looking back i can see that i found a new magic in richmond - it wasn't right outside my door like i was used to - but if i looked further afield i found it.
then when i was 17 i moved from richmond (basically vancouver) to iowa. wow was i homesick. it was almost unbearable. after 2 years i decided to move back. it was 100% the right choice.
i live in vancouver now and have for 10-11 years and it's wonderful, but interestingly i dream of moving elsewhere! i'm ok with calling vancouver home for good, but if there is an opportunity for me and my husband to move, depending on where - i might happily take it.
i hope spring comes for you soon and that you find all the answers you are looking for. when they say life is a journey, they are right!
hah re-reading and i'm not sure i got the order of the places right... too funny - have lived all over and now confuse even myself. portland first then vancouver then iowa then back to vancouver :)
I think that you just have to have faith that you are on the right path and the things that you long for are not in your life anymore for a reason. If they were meant to be in your life they would be. I also agree with THILIBLOOMS "when u let go and start living your new life, you`ll open up your heart to new places and people and everything will come to places."
When life's not going so great I remind myself that things will get better: We have to have the "downs" to appreciate the "ups"!
I hope this helps.
I get really stuck when I am living one life and wishing for another one. We moved from PA to this smallish town in Utah two and a half years ago. I haven't found the kinds of friends here that I have found in other places. I crave diversity, and I see homogenity... I have to look for the things that I love about it here, the summers are cool (the winters are LONG), its safe here, I don't have to get on the freeway unless I am LEAVING town (which I have to do at least twice a month, there's no TARGET here for crying out loud!). But, my kids take their cues from me and I want to raise positive children, so I try to find something every day that I like about here... Its a hard thing. Good luck!
I remind myself that the past is gone. You can not touch it ever again. And then I remind myself that it is called "the present" for a reason. I choose everyday to take one day at a time, live in the moment, and be thankful for my life. Others have it WAY worse than I do and I humbled that a higher power thinks I deserve any of this. xoxo Ez!
{from an old Fred Astaire movie}
"Chin up. Chest out. Put your best foot forward."
i returned to the cape 12 years ago after almost 2 decades in vt -- my kids were 8 and 14 -- i still miss vermont terribly -- what you left in cali is what i left in vt and in retrospect let's just say i've learned a lot from the experience and occasionally blog about it over at my blog...(met a co-worker who moved down here from vt 4 years ago -- family stuff like me -- and she's homesick still, too! i was much reassured when i met her...i truly believe we all have our natural habitats/geography we belong to, whatever you want to call it)...
Longing for things of the past is something that I've learnt to appreciate & enjoy. I believe that everything happens for a reason & perhaps this is why I can look back without regret. There's times when I do miss people & friendships from years ago; the way they lit up my life at various moments in time, & even though there are those moments where I long for someone or something that isn't quite within arms reach, I seek solace in the knowledge of what a positive influence they, or it had on me at the time.
I try not to waste time longing for things that don't exist anymore. I've got somewhat of a 'Keep moving forward' type mindset, and while I take the time to appreciate things for what they were at the time, I continue moving forward, eagerly anticipating the opportunities and experiences that await.
I've lived in DC for nearly a decade now, and lately I've found myself missing my life in Chicago where I lived for 7 years before I moved to DC for grad school. I miss the group of friends I had there, I miss all the going out I did there--not just bars, but to poetry readings and concerts. I miss knowing that no matter what I had a group of people that wouldn't let me down, something I haven't found here. But lately I've been thinking about what I need to do to create that same life for myself here, and I've decided I need to reach out to more people until I find the friends I need, I need to make myself venture out more no matter the weather or how tired I might be. I guess my point is that I've just been trying really hard to focus on the things I really loved about my old life and find them again--maybe in a new way--in this new one. Lastly, whenever you move, it takes a really long time for the new place to feel like home. It's only really started to feel like home to me in the last year or so, and as I mentioned before I've lived here nearly a decade now. Hang in there. . . it'll get better. I promise.
Hi Ez, I rarely comment on blogs and I know I'm late here but I just saw this post and it breaks my heart. Not only for your daughter, (no child deserves to be the victim of bullying or violence!), but for your difficult journey and regrets. I completely restarted my life three years ago and it was the hardest, scariest thing I've ever had to do. I questioned a lot of the choices I made, and over time, things got harder... but better as well. Every time I thought wistfully of my old life, I forced myself to remember why I changed everything to begin with, and that it was worth every second of the current struggle.
My only advice is to keep looking ahead and live with NO regrets. If you had never taken the leap and moved to the East Coast, you would wonder forever, "What if I had..." This move didn't work, but at least you tried it! Plus, after your next move, you may find you appreciate things like boring classrooms and functioning sinks like you never had before!!
My favorite quote is from the dalai lama: "take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk." I think your quest for happiness for you and your daughter is admirable. You make so many people happy with your blog; I hope you find happiness with your next venture!
Kate
I often feel very wistful about things, places and people from the past. I actually think it's a natural effect of being "a grass is always greener" person :) (I am 30, and have lived in four countries and six cities in 10 years.) I would say this; when you long for what's gone, try to be glad. Be glad that you were lucky enough to live through a time worth missing, realise that those positive times in your life helped make you you. I think this is a way to get to know one self: Just like you learn from hardship and mistakes, figuring out what kind of experiences made you happy informs your decisions going forward.
It sounds to me like you're well under way...
Hi Ez, I've been enjoying your Creature Comforts blog and had no idea you had a second blog that is even more wonderful! First, I would like to praise you for your bravery and your inner strength. I can't imagine going through everything you've been through and having to do it alone. You are a lady to be very much admired. Secondly, I will tell you that my own beautiful daughter was bullied, for no reason, once in middle school and once in high school, so I can appreciate what you are going through. And, finally, although I have no advice for you, please know that you aren't alone. Life is hard. It just is. I don't care what some people say, there are days, sometimes years, that are uphill battles. It sounds like you're doing everything right. You're obviously a wonderful mother, and I'm so glad that you're going to join your family in Oklahoma. Hopefully, they will offer you the emotional support that you deserve. As you can tell, your story has touched me and will remain with me for a long time.I have a good feeling that your and your daughter's lives are going to be much better in the months ahead. I will certainly keep the two of you in my thoughts and prayers. I will also look forward to continuing to follow your blogs.
I tell myself "Don't worry about what you can't change"
even though I moved away from the home I grew up in almost
14 years ago, I do have those longing feelings of returning back
to that apartment or even dreams of acquiring back that home.
sometimes it got so bad that when I go by the neighbourhood and
see all these changes around the estate makes me really sad.
but I guess looking forward to new and exciting changes, whether
it's a new class, or a new environment, or a new thing, as long as
there is something to look forward to, I can always look back and
smile knowing that with that past, that foundation, it's what made
me today, looking forward and moving on.
I have no words of wisdom but just want to send a hug.