Getting Real: Great Expectations
Expectations... It seems that we must all feel the pressure of expectation to varying degrees and forms in our lives...from how we ought to behave as children, performance at work, relationships, how we should raise children, what we should believe in and more. Much of the time these expectations can propel us forward and motivate us to become better people. But they can just as easily stifle you, quiet your spirit or make you feel a sense of unease.
So my confession is this: I often feel like a bit of a fraud. It's weird to even write that because I generally keep these feelings to myself. But the truth is that I am a very regular ordinary sort of person. And sometimes I feel that I live in the shadow of expectations built by being a "design blogger."
Please don't get me wrong. I really love blogging. I am endlessly grateful for the incredible community of talented and kind individuals who make it what it is. It's just that I am ridiculously and quite often awkwardly average. (I hope that doesn't disappoint.) I have insecurities, I get jealous, I have piles of laundry to sort and days when I skip out on housework out of pure laziness. I don't own a house in some exotic location or jet off to Paris on holiday. I like Haagen-dazs a little bit more than I should, am a total klutz and cut my own bangs to save money. The majority of my wardrobe is black, grey or white and I don't own a single pair of "designer jeans."
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's hard when I realize (or assume; because after all maybe nobody really cares) that some people might think of me as being an example of what it means to "have it all figured out." Living up to my perceived expectations of what being a "design blogger" means often overwhelms me. Again, I so appreciate the admiration and lovely bits of it all, it is just that I never want to disappoint anyone and I would hate to think of anyone feeling different or worse off than me because of the label.
In the past I used to visit several popular blogs that were beautiful to the eye, but in the end only left me feeling that my life was lacking. That unless I too owned this thing, decorated my house that way, or was in this and such circle of people that I couldn't match up. I finally made the decision to stop reading those blogs and decided to just chart my own path. It's my hope that you will never leave from visiting Carrying On or Creature Comforts feeling anything less than wonderful and hopefully inspired (at least in some small way).
The truth is that what you own, how many vacations you take, or what designer you are wearing doesn't determine how I feel about you. If these things make you happy then I am happy for you. The only thing that I truly care about is whether you are a genuine and good person, that you find joy in life to the best of your ability, and spread kindness wherever you can. Because honestly that's is all that really matters.
So my question at the end of my rambling is this: How do you personally deal with expectations? I would love any tips or advice that you might have on finding a balance and peace with it all. At the moment I am rather stymied.
Thanks for listing...I really hope I didn't scare you all away. xox Ez
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| by Ez Wednesday, February 24, 2010 
Reader Comments (36)
I loved this post...Thank you for being so honest. It was refreshing and heartfelt.
I read plenty of design blogs, I feel often like I could, can never keep up. Some days I just seem to sit here and snidely remark on anything they have posted on their blogs. I am starting to realize maybe I too should not read them anymore as I have stopped even posting on my blog....
I have read your blog for over a year (Creature Comforts ) and often wondered about why you didnt post more personal stuff. Then you started this and was thrilled! I am more drawn to blogs that are real and I relate more to real people.
I guess we need to heal in us the insecurities that some times make us feel inferior. No one is perfect and I'm sure some of these bloggers, that seem so perfect in every way, must also have bad days..but dammit anyways why are they all pretty...skinny...dress in five hundred dollar shoes and live in designer homes??
Thanks for your honesty and just be you..your great!
Wait. You mean you are just an ordinary woman? You don't have fairies living in your attic? Your house doesn't have a warm cookie smell to it at all times??? And everything is not perfectly coordinated and organized??? Well, s*&t. Guess I have to find another blog to read then.
I do hope you know I am joking ... and am really relieved. LOL! I love the eye candy you provide everyday on your design blog ... and often get inspired by it. I also LOVE when you do chic for cheap. I am not chic by any means, but I know I could afford to be with your recommendations. So keep it up. AND keep up this blog. It makes me feel a little better about myself (in a good way! not a 'oh she is not all that! yahoo!' way). Thanks.
You took the words right out of my brain. I don't think that anyone is totally content and has it all completely together, tied up in a little bow. There are days when I'm surprised at and proud of my talents. Then there are the days (which number in the majority) that I feel like a hack.
I'm sure part of the reason we feel this way is an effect that I call "Swiffer Mom Syndrome". It's the theory (that I made up on one of my more witty days) that we see something and aspire to it, not realizing that it's not real...it's only our perception of what's real. In Swiffer Mom Syndrome, it's a fabricated view of what being a mom is "supposed" to be. Me in khaki capris and a blue cardi, swiffering my ridiculously large, well lit, pimped out kitchen with hardwood floors while my adorable little baby sits on the floor and coos sweetly at me. Anyone that knows me would laugh at me in khaki capris and a cardi (I have a psuedo mohawk for goodness sake), but for some reason I feel compelled to be that mom for a nanosecond.
I think here and with all "personalities" (I really don't usually use quotations this much on a regular day) of people that we admire, we only see what they show us which means it's just a fraction of who that person actually is. But looking up to someone sometimes pushes us to be better, to find the person we know we are inside.
Really great post. Thank you for confiding in us :)
Hi Ez,
Beautiful post. THANKS. One of the most heartfelt ones I've read.
I think I understand what you're saying. I have the same feeling you describe about some blogs I do read and like but pffff the pressure!
I believe that one of the (many) reasons why I admire CC so much is: personally I find only inspiration and kindness here and genuine enthusiasm and welcoming athmosphere, and beauty to look, read, buy, create... I have the feeling you are doing something you love and that your style is sincere (including healthy self-irony when needed).
So hope you wont mind if I will still believe "you have it all figured out", not IN SPITE OF what you just shared but BECAUSE of what you just shared. :)
Sorry, I can't help, I'm a CC fanatic.
I have a huge problem myself in dealing with others' expectations and with my own ones (not in blogging, but in life in general), so unfortunately I'm not the best person to give advice on the matter... :)
But it was great to read that I'm not the only one out there!
Thanks for everything!
Ciao!
Suze
You didn't scare me away, I find this post very refreshing! I think a lot of blogging is about putting your best self out there and that's fine and dandy but it does take a lot of effort to reign in the expectations that come as a result. I do not have a great tip on how to do this sadly. Having too high expectations of myself is something of a lifelong struggle. I am making progress in bits. I have to be repetitive with myself: perfection is not a good goal. I have learned it more from being a mom because when I see my little guy trying to do something perfectly, it breaks my heart. I have been very careful not to expect him to do things perfectly but it seems to be genetic at some level. So trying to help him eventually rubs off on me. In fact, just this week I turned in a poster that I designed for a school function that had PIXELATED text on it! GASP! Ten years ago, I never would have turned something like that in. But I realized the stress of fixing it was not worth it, it will be displayed at an evening event with a thousand other auction items. Okay I'm rambling. Thank you for your courage and honesty Ez!
your post really is nice and heartfelt and sincere. i love your blog(s) dearly, and you're always inspiring me. i don't own anything designer-like for clothes either (i do have a dooney & bourke bag, that might count, and hunter boots- but they were both a gift). i actually feel better about myself when i don't spend a lot of money on things. everything you post/write is content that can make its way to someones heart and allow them to feel chipper, such as your inspiration photo posts (i love those so much). i know, every time i visit your blog, i leave feeling happy.
there have been some blogs that i stopped reading too, because they're always posting these obscenely expensive things, that no 'ordinary' person can afford. even if i could afford, i don't think i'd necessarily purchase it because it would make me feel artificial in a way.
i admire you because you allow everyone to participate, even those who don't like spending money (or go to grad school and have no money, like me :)). your chic for cheap allows for affordable clothing outfits and your inspiration posts allow for people to become very happy. so, i don't think there is anything fraud-like about you!
Thank you! I often feel like I've somehow failed when there are so many piles of laundry to get through (which there are), dishes in the sink (yep), and especially when I see all these wonderful blogs with great designs and decorations for their homes. Thank you for being so honest. It really is great to see that someone with such a great sense of style also is a "regular" person. You should probably know that you're more than average or ordinary, but I know the feeling and appreciate your post! :)
Ah, my sweet & lovely friend...you are not a fraud. You genuinely see beauty in everything and we are lucky enough that you share it with us. I applaud your honesty & in being honest you know you give lots of other folks who may be reading, relief. Relief that all isn't as perfect as it may seem. You know me, we create our C & C outfits together and I only WISH I had half that wardrobe! :) As you know, I am always in my same jeans, cardi & uggs....picking up frozen poop(from the two doggies) in the backyard & blogging in my pjs! :) Oh, and wishing I could lose 40 pounds by...yesterday. I adore you hun and now, let's have some Haagen dazs! :)
xoxo
Melis
Thank you for being so honest. It's refreshing to read that not everyone is perfect all of the time. You have such an eye for beauty...always remember to look for it in yourself too.
You're really pointing out something that is so prevalent in everyone's lives. In so many ways. Personally, I often focus too much on what is outside of myself and my own control and abilities. The best thing that I can do is to take time everyday to refocus on what makes me happy - family, friends, art, crafting - and let those things and people drive me to be a better person in the ways that really matter. In Love. And in showing that love.
From a computer screen far away I can see that you already do this too :) And on top of that you inspire others to love and to see beauty everyday. And that, my friend, is far more than average!
<3
You know, I really don't care what people think of me. Not that I'm the type of uncaring/selfish person who goes around hurting peoples feelings without thinking twice about it (quite the opposite!), I just try to be the best I can be for me. So if I don't live up to someone else's expectations...so what? It's not like I'm not trying to live the best life I can. The most important thing to me is being happy, and only I can measure how happy I am.
Also, being a "design blogger" is just one part of "you". There are a billion things that make up each and every one of us; that make us who we are. So, for example, the "mom" part of you may overcome the "design blogger" in you at times, and that is MORE than ok. I am trying to break into the design field, but right now I have to spend 40 hours a week at a desk job. That "day job" part of me definitely affects the "creative" part of me, and other parts as well.
We are all human and therefore cannot be perfect. I feel sorry for people who try to be perfect all the time. If you let someone see that you may not be perfect, *voila!* the pressure is gone because they will no longer expect perfection from you.
For the record - I think seemingly perfect people are boring, and I feel sorry for them because they must put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves.
****Here's to the imperfections and the happiness that comes along with them!****
I struggle with the expectations as well. The expectations of being the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect blogger, the perfect web developer (the list goes on and on.) But darn it... I'm becoming too tired to care much anymore. Spreading the love and the beauty for life is about all you can do. And quite frankly, you're doing that in spades.
I love your blog. I love your style. I don't care if you're not wearing designer clothes or carrying a $500 purse. I don't mind the dishes in your sink a single bit. I appreciate you sharing yourself so completely with all of us. Truly. Thank you for that.
Ez, this is a really great post. I sent you an email about it :)
What a wonderful and heartfelt post. Thank you for saying what I've been feeling a bit of lately, but have yet to express myself.
What a great post--thanks for sharing. For most of my career I was a secretary, which was usually fine with me because my job was a way to pay for poetry workshops and books and basically to support my arts life. But once my friends starting rising up the corporate ladder and had secretaries who answered the phone when I called, I started to feel less than enough. I constantly had to remind myself that success is defined differently on the path that I've chosen. Some days it means that I manage to read a poem, or that I wrote one good line in my journal. I'm no longer a secretary, but even in my new position, I sometimes feel that someone's going to "out" me as a fraud. I try to remind myself to look at myself through other's eyes, and it turns out they see and respect someone who knows what she's doing even if I don't always have the right answer. It took me a good six months of hemming and hawing to start my blog, which is in the realm of design blog, because I didn't think I was "expert" enough. Then it occurred to me one night as I was riding the Metro, reading my first ever copy of apartamento that what I wanted to do on my blog was write about those things in the home design and art realm that made me want to shout from the rafters. I don't need expertise to be enthusiastic, and I find that as I read more design blogs and meet more artists and designer aficionados out in the cyberworld, that my expertise is growing. And on the days I bemoan my lack of followers or comments, I ask myself--are you having fun? The answer is always yes, so I keep doing what I'm doing. And I wouldn't keep doing it if there weren't blogs like yours that inspire me, whether they're perfect or not.
Oh expectations.. anxiety.. you know what I think? It sucks.. and if you give it to much thought and power it will only grow and do no good.. so relax, take a deep breath and forget about it..
Come on girl:
"The truth is that what you own, how many vacations you take, or what designer you are wearing doesn't determine how I feel about you. If these things make you happy then I am happy for you. The only thing that I truly care about is whether you are a genuine and good person, that you find joy in life to the best of your ability, and spread kindness wherever you can. Because honestly that's is all that really matters." - this is so beautiful!!!!!!!! look at all your work! It`s all in you, inside YOU! You built all of it!
"keep shining your light, and show the world your smile" by India Arie, There`s Hope song..
have a wonderful day!
Great post. Thanks for your honesty. One of the things I like about your blog is that it feel accessible, even if I'm not a big design person in my own life. I just feel like what you offer us is a visual feast of lovely things.
I really want to take a moment to thank each one of you for your kind and heartfelt comments. I was feeling quite anxious to post this at first (seeing as it is new territory for me as far as blogging goes) so I can't tell you all enough how much your encouragement has meant to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
xox Ez
always always always trying to find balance. and trying to focus on doing what i like to do. it takes constant reevalutaion of what i'm doing and why i'm doing it. it's cyclical, and eternal.
hey ez - great post, thank you for sharing from your soul like you have here. my biggest thing these days, and especially since i started blogging is keeping it positive. i don't think any of us can avoid negative feelings about ourselves or others - but i just try to literally minimize the amount of time i dwell on these things - longer than 5 seconds seems to be too long. and i guess i don't compare myself to others - well i do of course haha but it's another thing i try to stay positive about. i guess i'm always trying to improve myself - not in a bad way, b/c i also believe in embracing ourselves just the way we are - but if i see something i want to be better in i go for it, either personally or professionally... and i try to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself... i don't base my friendships on externals - but really that people are nice and fun to be around. oooh i'm getting the feeling i think you got when you wrote this. maybe i have shared too much!? i hope i don't come across as a know it all either. b/c dear lord i have my bad days - sometimes several in a row and i have to start again and remind myself of all of the above and then some.....
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this! I am so happy you started this personal journal. The blogging world can be quite overwhleming and as a new blogger trying to keep up with the Joneses keeps me in a constant frantic rat race of reading everyone's blog tinkering with mine reading more blogs tinkering with mine some more until the point of tears and no blogging for weeks. So I recently said ENOUGH and stopped reading blogs for the purpose of comparing! Enough trying to keep up with the Joneses and blog the way I think will get me the most views or comments or notoriety in blogland. I just want to make lovely things, laugh out loud, make more things, smile, share, inspire, and make even more things, ooh and take photos...basically just follow my bliss and not worry too much about the comments...As far as a tip well I just pay close attention to the things that make me giddy, I mean deliriously joyful on the inside and do those things often :) for me happy time usually always includes paper + fabric + art (making) + love oh and COFFEE :) You are doing a wonderful job Ez and you are enough! Carry On my blog friend, Carry On!
I think there are a lot of bloggers in your same shoes. I think you just have to make sure to be you in what it is your doing, and I think you do a good job of that. I too feel like you about certain blogs, where I felt I had to live up to a certain expectation, but if i'm feeling that way, I find I have to step away. Creature Comforts isn't like that. I feel as though I get to see the beauty in life in a non-judgmental (?) way. I especially love the "Chic for Cheap" that you do because I feel like I really can look nice on a reasonable budget. :)
Ez, you're so awesome. I think most of us out here in the world suffer from the pressure of expectations and how to live up to them. I often think that I am not as "stylish" or "in the know" as other bloggers. I tend to be a bit more dark and brooding than bright and cheerful. I am quirky and weird and I listen to sad bastard music -like morrissey and the cure. I don't own a single pair of designer jeans, and have put on 40 pounds since started having children. I simply step back from it all and ask myself if I love what I'm doing. My answer is almost always yes. and that's enough for me. Thanks for this post. It made my day. :)
Ah, I know exactly how you feel! Thank you for sharing this with us. It's good to hear that other people feel the same way as I do at times. When I start to feel that way I usually try to disconnect from the online world and do something totally different like gardening or cooking or baking, something that I can do just for me, in the comfort of my own home, and that I know I am good at. I spend countless hours online and at times I can get so overloaded with the constant beauty and inspiration I see that it ends up doing the complete opposite of inspiring me! That's when I know I need a break. You and your blog are always a nice and comforting place to visit, full of inspiration, with no expectations, a breath of fresh air from some of the bigger blogs that are out there. I really enjoy visiting your blog every day. Thank you for what you do! You truly do inspire!
Wow, your words couldn't have hit closer to home for me! And thank you for being so honest! I've generally accepted that NOBODY has it all together. They may have it mostly together, or somewhat together, but never all. And that makes me feel better. :) As far as expectations go, that's been much harder for me, the older I get. When I was young, I was in the G.A.T.E. program in school from 3rd grade through senior year, and all I had to do was get good grades. That was (mainly) the easy part. But the whole time my classmates and I would hear phrases like "future leaders" and "born innovators", etc. Not an easy burden to bear! Especially for someone like me who found it easy to be good at a variety of things, but not great in any of them. In college I switched majors, wound up graduating very happily with a degree in history, and then decided to work and pay off some of my loans before going back to school. Needless to say I never made it back, and now am trying to launch a photography business (slowly but surely) in the worst economy anyone alive has seen and its been a bit difficult to feel at peace with my yearning for accomplishment. Everyday happiness comes easy, its the overall life satisfaction that's been a bit harder the past few years. I know I'll get there, but there's always those dark moments, y'know?