Photo Friday: For You
Wednesday was a bit of a mess. Things got off to a rocky start and then the day was further muddied when my computer suddenly ran out of file space. It couldn't even keep one program running. Ugh! What followed was hours upon hours of feverish file deletion...and a lot of stress.
I don't know about you, but as soon as I get all comfortable and think it's safe to delete something...suddenly that file becomes vitally important. Anyone? Clearly this has kept me from deleting enough files to allow my computer to function (and yes I do have an additional external hard drive...also completely full). Anyway (long rambly bit complete), I discovered this photo (taken for this DIY project) while plowing through and ruthlessly trashing my files, and I thought the image seemed appropriate for the upcoming school year.
Speaking of which, in just a couple of weeks my daughter will be starting a new school and we are filled with nervous excitement (or if I'm being completely honest, hopeful but nauseous anticipation). My daughter has a long history of being targeted by bullies in her past schools, and so I'm wondering friends, do you have any advice that you want to pass on to my daughter or me (heaven knows at least I need it)? Maybe you had a personal experience with bullying, or just something helpful from your past years as a teenager (or raising one) that you want to share. Humorous, anecdotal...we'd love to hear it all. xo Ez
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| by Ez Friday, August 10, 2012 
Reader Comments (18)
I think the very best thing you can do for your daughter is provide her with a safe place at home--which you already do! When I was a kid and had to deal with bullying and being ostracized by most of my peers, I was lucky enough to have a tight-knit, seriously loving family, and parents who would sit at my bedside while I cried through the frustration, even when I was a teenager.
Because of their love and patience, I've turned out relatively well-adjusted and generally happy as a young adult--so know that regardless of how her school year goes, your love and care for your daughter has a huge impact in the end.
And on a more practical note, if you know any tutors or educational resource centers in your area, they often have a good grasp of which schools are more welcoming and which have more bullying problems. I work in a resource center and know that most of our teachers have a good idea of the mini-culture of most local schools.
I really hope things go well this year!
my family moved to a new town at the very tail end of my fourth grade year. which meant i was starting school a month before the end of the year, in a very small town where all the kids had known each other since diapers, with two years to go until the mercifully larger pond of junior high. the kids hated me. they didn't want me there, and told me so to my face. one boy, in particular, decided to be my own private hell, and made life miserable. lucky for me, he moved into the house next door to me three years later, so the escape i might have felt in junior high never happened; in fact, it got worse. he seemed to take delight in ruining every possible friendship i could make.
luckily, about this time i joined the swim team and made friends with kids who didn't got to my school and knew nothing about me. they embraced me, and made my life worth living. they saved me, literally. by the time high school came around, i had a group. i was okay. however, i also had learned to say "screw them," and focus on the big picture: where i was going, how i was going to get there, and how soon i could move away from this small town.
the minute i could leave, i did. and 20 years later, i sit in my dream house, with a fulfilling job, two gorgeous kids, an amazing husband who was actually "mr popular" in his school. screw those kids from "back home," indeed.
tell your daughter to find what she loves and focus on that. give it all of her attention. kids are stupid, they haven't been taught to be loving and compassionate, and that's their problem. "it gets better" seems trite, but it's so true. she will be fine. in 20 years, she'll be amazing, and those mean kids who are making her life hell now will still be small and unhappy. or maybe not. but she will no longer care.
many good thoughts for you all as she enters this new school and school year. it's not easy being a kid.
volunteer to go in to the school do a craft or art project---my sister found did this when her son was being targeted. the kids looked up to her in this setting as it was "something fun" done during class time and it helped her son fit in because his mother was "kinda cool" doing something interesting.
she also felt since the kids saw her at the beginning of the school year and throughout participating in this type of activity and getting them involved as well as her son did wonders.
J
Jeez Louise! I had NO idea about your poor daughter! That's just incredibly terrible and heartbreakingly sad. I remember elementary/junior high- terrible years. Bullying happened then too. It might be the worst thing a young girl (or person) can go through. Kudos to you for taking charge and being a great protective mama bear!
I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter has dealt with bullies. I was targeted quite badly between 3rd and 6th grade. Things escalated from me being made fun of for being a bookworm and being a bit roly-poly to boys in my class screaming sexual things at me (as an adult, I can't even begin to fathom what would make an 11-year-old boy say stuff like that to a classmate). Things got better after we all moved on to middle school, fortunately, but it did make me very distrusting of my classmates.
I knew why I was targeted: I dressed oddly, I had a lisp and thick glasses, I read all the time and I liked to spend time on my own or with one friend instead of hanging out with a gang. The thing is, those are all things I now like about myself (well, not the lisp and nearsightedness, but the lisp disappeared and I wear contacts now). I like that I have an offbeat sense of fashion, I still find solace in books and being an introvert helps keep me from feeling lonely, even though it's sometimes hard to find friends as an expat.
Being bullied made me feel awful, but my parents never tried to change my personality. It took me a while to trust my peers again, but then I went to a great college where I got to meet a lot of people with similar interests and personalities. It was wonderful. They showed me that despite what the bullies said, I *am* valuable. And I think my experiences taught me compassion and empathy, too, because I know how hard it is to be dehumanized and targeted.
One of the most important things was that my parents and principal took what was happening to me extremely seriously and disciplined the boys. I didn't stop them from picking on me, but it kept things from escalating.
You are a great Mom, and I know that you will do whatever your daughter needs to deal with bullying and make friends. One suggestion I have is to check with your daughter about whether or not she's feeling distrustful of her classmates in general. In high school, I was still so worried about being bullied again that I sometimes ignored overtures of friendship from really great classmates. I did manage to make a few great friends, though, and they helped me feel safe.
I spent six of the last seven years teaching middle school and let me tell you, kids that age can be MEAN. What I discovered as an adult being around them all day, though, is that most of the meanness comes from insecurity and an uncertainty about everything that's going on in their lives. I obviously don't know your daughter, but my guess is that she's a pretty cool kid. If she's able to act like the coolest kid in school (because why ISN'T she?) other kids will likely respect her for it. There's a fine line, though, between being a cool kid and being a know-it-all. I saw more than one know-it-all get picked on by the mean kids because they made themselves easy targets. I also think the idea mentioned above about going in to lead some sort of project is a great one - give the other kids some context that allows them to see your little girl has a family who cares about her.
Also, I'm a firm believer in the power of prayer, so I'll say one for your daughter today in hopes that she'll have the best year yet.
I found this the other day and thought it might help you out!
http://blog.piajanebijkerk.com/WordPress/2012/06/29/dandelion-bullying-is-for-people-with-no-imagination/
I was constantly made fun of throughout my school years because I was short. Kids would put small nail like tacks on my chair in hopes that I'd not see them and sit down. I pray that this school year will be a wonderful one for your daughter. I will keep you and her in my prayers.
I'm sorry your daughter had problems with bullies, I know how stressful it can be.
When I was in elementary school, there was one period of time when two male bullies were torturing all kids in they surrounding. It was terrible time for me and I've asked my parents what to do and my mom told my to try to be nice to them, friendly. I did that, and they it worked, I guess they didn't expect that or something, but it was easier to live. But still, they did bad things to other kids, so all parents file a complaint so they were transferred to another school.
I don't know what to say, it's very hard to understand problem with those kids, and to find best solution to problem..
Anyway, I hope your daughter will not have problems like that anymore.
I wish her luck in her new school :)
I feel like there are two general schools of thought on dealing with being bullied -
- The Keep Being You method. The upside is, you don't compromise anything about you just to fit in. This often goes hand in hand with Understanding Bullies Feel Bad Inside, but that doesn't usually help when you're a little kid.
- Adjust Just Enough So You Don't Become a Target method. Upside is a reduction in bullying. Downside is that you have to make sure you don't become a fake, alternate person completely.
When I was a little kid, I tried the first method for awhile. I finally figured out that what made kids hate me was that my mother never taught me how to do girly things. I was very much a tomboy and loved getting dirty and playing rough, but I never learned how to brush my hair into a good ponytail or the merits of pretty clothes. So after nearly a decade of trying the first method to no avail, when I got to high school, I switched to the second method. I bought some of those shitty fashion magazines I hated (pre-internet days), learned how to put on makeup and do my hair nicely. Teasing over. Surviving easier.
Now that I'm an adult and much more secure with myself, I can go back to method 1 if people are being jerks. Also as an adult, I can say f@$% them, which is empowering but tricky to get away with when you're a child. :-)
First of all I just want to quickly thank each one of you for taking the time to share your experiences and insight with me. I'm completely moved by your kindness and I'm going to be reading and re-reading every last word you've all shared! Thanks a million! xo Ez
Katie - I'm so sorry that you were bullied too! Your tip about speaking to tutors or educational resource centers is so smart, and something I hadn't thought of doing. Thanks so much!
Michele - Moving is tough enough…but being bullied on top of it is horrible. My daughter unfortunately shares the same experience. This year I am definitely planning on having my daughter join in at least one extracurricular group. She is shy (like I am), but I know it's the right thing. Your experience just makes it all the more clear for me. I am so glad that you came out on the other side of things and have such a beautiful life in spite of it all. Thank you for your encouraging words!
Janice - Yes! This is such great advice. When my daughter was a lot younger I volunteered every year…sometimes every day and it really did make a world of difference. As she has gotten older it has been harder to find hands-on ways to be involved (besides just selling raffle tickets for the school or pestering people to buy wrapping paper). One of the things I'm most looking forward to at this new school is that they actively ask all parents to be involved and specifically state that they want it to be in an area that interests the parent. I'm thinking of volunteering to photograph special events, maybe teach a few special classes related to artistic endeavors or even blogging, etc. Kind of exciting. Thank you for validating that decision! I'm even more inspired now!
Christina Main - Thank you for your kind and supportive words! xo
Catherine Shu - Oh I hear you! I was always the new kid (my mom moved us all the time), wore hand-me-downs, had a speech impediment, and overall just didn't fit in. Kids are brutal! I'm so glad that you now embrace yourself as you are! You are fabulous! I do agree with you though, that there is a lot of wisdom in learning how to work with the system…and make the most of it. Thank you for that reminder!
Jenny - I love your advice Jenny. Sometimes for people who are really shy like my daughter (and myself) it feels terrifying to put yourself out there…but in college I adopted the same kind of attitude about myself that you are talking about, and it worked! People went out of their way to be nice to me, I got better grades…the list goes on and on. It felt weird at first to act more confident than I felt inside, but the end result was that I actually ended up gaining a lot of true self-confidence that I'd never had previously!
Megan - The Dandelion app looks amazing! I'm so glad to see that it was fully funded and can't wait until it is released! Thank you for sharing it!
Brenda - Kids can be so brutal! I'm so sorry that you were targeted because of your height. Thank you for your encouragement and for sending such sweet thoughts my daughter's way! xo
Barbara - Thank you so much for your well wishes for my daughter! I'm so glad your kindness worked towards the two bullies, and that the parents at your school were proactive about working to end the bullying in your school. I wish more parents would group together for this cause. It can feel so isolating…for both the bullied student and their parent(s).
Rachel - I'm so sorry you were bullied…and I think you are right about choosing the solution that is going to take the negative attention off of you. Even if it means that you have to compromise a bit in the process. At the end of the day you are still who you are inside, even if the outside isn't as accurate of a representation. I'm glad that you are in a good place now. Thank you for sharing your advice with us!
I'm a middle school teacher and I wish so much that I could give you magical anti-bullying advice. The most important thing, I think, is to let your daughter, and her school if the new school is anything like the old one, know that bullying is not "normal" or a "rite of passage," nor is it "just kids being kids" or any of the other BS people like to spout. Be very grateful that your daughter TELLS you about the bullying - many kids are too ashamed to tell their parents or feel it is somehow their fault they are being bullied, and end up bottling up all of the negative emotions from bullying.
I read the earlier post about the lunch monitor not reporting the bullying and the guidance counselor blowing you off, and all I can think is: if anything like that happens at the new school, go over their heads. Talk to the principal. Talk to the school superintendent. Talk to the school board. Talk to the police if you have to. Hopefully the new school will be a new, fresh start for your girl and she can go in confident and make lots of new friends!
I have not yet put my boys into school...next year. Oh D D D dear.
I wanted to say though that I adore this DIY project! So very simple but sweet.
I was bullied terribly in Junior High and early high school. I got good grades, was nice, and kept to myself...I guess somehow it made me a target? I wish I could go back in time and not worry about getting into trouble for speaking my mind/defending myself and just punch someone in the face! LOL. I know it doesn't solve anything though. Realistically, I'd like to go back in time and say "I never did anything to you, why are you trying to hurt me? Please just stop." I know, at the time, I would probably have been made fun of a bit more for saying that. But I also know they probably would have left me alone going forward. People don't like feeling guilty or being put on the spot in front of everyone. Going home to my Mom at the end of the day made things livable. She always was there to hug me and comfort me. It helped that I got involved in lots of activities that I enjoyed and brought me my own sense of self-esteem and pride. I didn't need to find it coming from others. That has carried with me to this day, and now a lot of those bullies from back then want to "friend" me on Facebook or say nice things to me now about how they admire me. Or they say I've always been the nicest person (my Mom always told me "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice") so I guess I'd rather have been picked on those few years if it meant I'm now living a wonderful life with a lovely husband, 2 beautiful kids, lots of people who care about me and love me, and living the life I'd hoped for then. My advice to her is 1. Stay the course. 2. They are idiots. 3. Keep your eyes on your own goals and enjoyments, the rest is just noise. 4. Don't be bitter, always be nice. 5. Call out the bully in front of everyone..."I'm nice to you, I've never done anything to hurt you, stop bullying me." (I'd even throw in a few swears...even if it means getting suspended...lol). 6. Remember this time in the scope of life is short. There are many wonderful things ahead, so focus on the beauty of the little things and keep being friendly and nice. You'll ALWAYS catch more flies with honey.
Hugs to you!
i have you and your daughter in my thoughts. what an awful experience. good for you for pulling her out when no one would listen. we are our children's primary line of defense and i think some parents fail to see the terror that children can inflict on one another. i took my children out of the elementary school they were attending (but for different reasons) in favor of one outside of our boundary and i look back and KNOW it is one of the best parenting decisions i ever made. i'm curious to hear about your daughter's experience at her new school. i'm hoping for the best!!!
I was bullied in elementary school as well, and one year of Junior High. I was shy and skinny as a child, and though I had friends, and had grown up with these people, for some reason, some of them decided to tease me about my skinny legs, but, like your daughter, I had very supportive parents, and they always held me when I was upset, listened, and told me that I was beautiful the way I was, and that those other kids were jealous or had their own problems. That really made a huge difference. Especially when we all went to a a new junior high with new kids, and one boy (who I didn't know) decided to target me for some reason, and he would make sexual remarks (I was so innocent, I didn't even know what some of them meant).
I did two things besides tell my parents. I told a teacher who noticed I was upset one day, and he was fantastic. He talked to the boy, and I think even escalated it when the talks didn't stop the boy. After that, the boy did stop. And the other thing I did was that I went to library with my best friend, looked up a book called "101 insults, jokes...", and I memorized an insult (it was for kids, so it wasn't horrible) I felt confident saying to him. The next time he came up to me to start the sexual remarks, I 'insulted' him. I was nervous and breathing a little funny, but I did it. And he was so shocked that I'd stood up for myself, he just stood there and then walked away. It didn't stop him from bullying me again another day, but I felt so much better about myself. And that, coupled with my parents' support and love, gave me the confidence to tell that fantastic teacher.
Good luck with your daughter, and as others have said, she will get through this, and grow up to be well-adjusted, more compassionate and empathetic, and it will just be a bad experience that will have added up to make her the lovely person she becomes!
gosh, bullying is tough! it's good that your daughter's going to a new school, actually...i found when i changed schools that somehow my life got a bit easier, after being bullied from grade 1 onwards (yep, all the way through high school too! it was awesome, not.). for some reason, making someone who you think is better than you feel bad about themselves somehow works to make you happy, if you're a bully. not sure why that is, but i know your daughter is cool! i follow your IG acct and i saw those adorable signs she left for you...no one could ever do something like that and NOT be awesome! haha. :)
anyway, my tips are to always stay true to yourself...if you change yourself for the bullies, you'll just end up feeling awful (and you'll risk them making even more fun of you, somehow). instead, hanging out with her non-school friends will definitely make her feel that even if her schoolmates don't 'get' her, she's still pretty darn awesome. i like the idea that someone suggested of a hobby (a sport would work as well) to focus on, something to build up her self confidence in a unique way. and having an awesome mum who supports her will be pretty good too!
actually, now that i think about it, i'll bet she'd be an amazing blogger...does she have something she's passionate about that she could focus a blog around? (maybe anonymously at first, or at least created without telling the bullies?)
anyway, those are my suggestions...i send her (and you!) lots of hugs to get through this unhappy business! keep us updated on how the bully-fighting (ha! like bull fighting, but different...) goes! :)
Ez, I think a photography workshop would be a great idea for you to initiate!
As a former teacher I think this basic idea could multiply tenfold in a classroom setting—a classroom newspaper that could take a blog format; photography would be an essential enhancement to this format; “editors” would be needed/assigned for content (this could rotate so everyone gets a chance to experience these positions if they want to); creative writing assignments for the "blog/newspaper" could be assigned; parents could check into the blog on a weekly basis to see classroom activities/project progress and of course the photos; there could be announcements—very environmentally friendly too. I know this is an idea I would run with if I were in a classroom setting today and to have someone work with the kids on photography would be a bonus. Other parents who work within a publishing context may crawl out of the woodwork and volunteer on a project like this--and you would get to know the other parents as well.
I just love an idea that can be explored so many ways and with an underlying benefit for your daughter and any social anxieties she may feel being the “new kid” it is a win/win situation.
Keep us updated!